(Programme for Arsenal’s last match against Swansea City.)

Welcome to G.O.L.’s new feature ‘Know Your Enemy’, in which I will break down Arsenal’s opponent of the day. Today’s match sees Arsenal go up against Swansea City Football Club of Swansea, Wales.

This is where that’s at…

This is the courtyard area in front of Debenham’s department store and Oasis ladies’ fashions at The Quadrant Shopping Centre located Uplands, Swansea, West Glamorgan SA1 3QW.

Here’s a closeup of some Swansea lads.

This is Steven Caulker. He played for Spurs against Arsenal in the third round of the 2010 Carling Cup and gave up a penalty in the 96th minute of Arsenal’s 4-1 win. It is his only appearance for Tottenham to date. He was loaned to Swansea this summer. May he repeat his Spurs performance eight or ten times over today.

Swansea City FC are known as the Swans or the Jacks, the latter after a renowned rescue retreiver (Swansea Jack) from the 1930s, which, as a dog owner, I can respect, though hopefully no club will ever call themselves the Mookies. This is what Swansea Jack probably looked like when he was wee…

Don’t let that sate your bloodlust. Swansea must be cruelly and ruthlessly punished for our defeat at Old Trafford. Let the Swansea Jacks suffer Arsenal’s wrath today. And may Arsenal Jack recover quickly so he is not watching matches with these two.

This has gone off the rails a bit.

Fun Fact: Swansea City FC currently has two points to Arsenal’s one and sits two places above Arsenal in the table.

And here’s the squad sheet for the match, which shows the return of Gibbs, Koscielny and Frimpong alongside new lords and saviors Per Mertesacker and Mikel Arteta. Post-match cat photo round-up to follow.

(via http://yfrog.com/z/j2i5ggj)

In the wake of Sunday’s dismantling of Arsenal’s “starters” by United’s “substitutes”, I read eulogies both fatalistic and uplifting, a constant stream of desperate pleas for untested Ligue 1 midfielders on Twitter, and one brilliant #GunnerSuicideLive. None of it changed my hopes or expectations for Arsenal’s season. Not even the absolutely ludicrous drubbing at Old Trafford itself.

The magnitude of the loss was stunning, yes, in a way that only a match in which a goalkeeper who conceded eight and was still man of the match can be. But it was epochal because United pumped the brakes towards the end, taking mercy on Arsenal as if we were their little brother and they’d just realized we were crying not laughing as they twisted our nipple almost clean off our chest. It was, as all have said including our proud manager, truly humiliating.

Yet there was almost a simultaneous feeling that it was necessary. Because if RvP had put away his penalty and we’d been at 3-2 on 60 minutes, and clogged the midfield, and somehow lost by one or remarkably drawn in the closing minutes, there would have been no humility. There would have been no revelation of the true modesty of Arsenal’s resources.

Now, whether you believe our transfer policy has been the fault of Arsene or the board or a combination of the two or a conspiracy of billionaires to deprive us of glory by siphoning from our honest labor, we needed to be exposed completely and ruthlessly by the very club we claim to rival. Whoever it is that controls the purse-strings needed to feel as defeated as the players on the field have in recent seasons when the difference between winning and losing were a quality player, maybe two. Suddenly, the difference was 7, 8 or 9 and undeniable. It was no longer a matter of replacing Cesc or Samir, but an entire squad, and replenishing the hope of not just the supporters or players, but the players who now form our future core who are supporters: Wilshere, Frimpong, Szczesny, Jenkinson. Their loyalty should never be taken for granted, in the same way that Barcelona never took Cesc’s loyalty for granted.

So we were slaughtered, rightly so (some Wenger conspiracy theorists might argue intentionally), and suddenly, look what is happening. We are strengthening, finally, in a way that we should have two or three years ago. We are signing players who may not excite the thirsty dilettantes like Aguero or Sneijder or, eh Fabregas, but they are players of inarguable experience and quality. They are players I’ve seen put in massive and consistent efforts in the World Cup and Copa America. Most importantly, they are players who will be on the pitch instead of Traore, Jenkinson, Coquelin, Squillaci et al when we inevitably have injuries and face an important match. They are captains of their countries and first choice internationals from Champions League clubs who not shrink from competition on the pitch or for position. And by the time you read this, rumor has it, Arsenal may have a legitimate “super signing” and a bona fide “English center back” on the way, as well [UPDATE: or Per Mertesacker or both?]. Regardless, we will most likely have signed a total of eight first team players this summer. Let me repeat and typey-yell that for emphasis, EIGHT FIRST TEAM PLAYERS. If you include semi-LANS Ryo Miyaichi, the eight are Miyaichi, Oxlade-Chamberlain (please change to Unocinco or Metta Conflict Resolution), Park Chu-Young, Andre Santos, Gervinho, Jenkinson, Overvalued English Center Back Mertesacker, Midfield Savior Made from Diamonds and Candy (not incl Joel Campbell or his dad). For all the rumors swirling, there could even be a ninth if Arsene gets M’Vila. If not, we’ll still have signed a player for every goal United scored against us, which, in my humble opinion, is an even better deal than a ticket refund.

Considering all of that, and excluding M’Vila, it’s interesting to revisit a comment made in the immediate aftermath of the match. On the Sky Sports wrap-up, Paul Merson suggested that of Arsenal’s players, including those injured and suspended, only Robin van Persie and Theo Walcott (“on his best day”) would get a place in Manchester United’s first team. Harsh. Also, dubious.

Rather than limit it to United, though, let’s take a look at the teams we should expect to compete with for the top four, if all players are healthy and in-form, Arsenal signs Park, Santos and English Center Back, and other

Arsenal ideal First XI: Szczesny; Sagna, Vermaelen, Mertesackeringhamshire, Andre Santos; Song, Ramsey; Wilshere, Walcott, Gervinho; van Persie.

Subs: Fabianski; Gibbs, Koscielny, Djourou, Jenkinson; Diaby, Frimpong, Arshavin, Rosicky, Cannibal Oxfam-RichardChamberlain; Miyaichi, Chamakh, Park Chu-Young.

United ideal First XI: De Gea; Rafael, Vidic, Ferdinand, Evra; Nani, Carrick, Fletcher, Young; Rooney, Hernandez.

Subs: Lindegaard, Smalling, Evans, Fábio, Jones, Valencia, Cleverly, Anderson, Giggs, Park, Berbatov, Welbeck.

City ideal First XI: Hart; Zabaleta, Kompany, Lescott, Clichy; Barry, Yaya Toure, Silva; Nasri, Aguero, Dzeko.

Subs: Pantilimon, Taylor, Bridge, Milner, Johnson, Savic, Santa Cruz, Tevez, Balotelli, Razak, Nimely, Wabara, De Jong, K Touré.

Liverpool ideal First XI: Reina; Johnson, Carragher, Agger, Jose Enrique; Gerrard, Lucas, Adam; Downing, Carroll, Suarez.

Subs: Doni, Skrtel, Coates, Cole, Rodríguez, Kuyt, Spearing, Wilson, Ngog, Poulsen, Shelvey, Flanagan, Robinson, Meireles, Aurelio.

Chelsea ideal First XI: Cech; Bosingwa, Luiz, Terry, Cole; Essien, Ramires, Lampard; Anelka, Torres, Malouda.

Subs: Turnbull, Ferreira, Alex, Romeu, McEachran, Mata, Lukaku, Van Aanholt, Bertrand, Benayoun, Kalou, Drogba, Sturridge.

GK: Yes. Szczesny, minus the atrocity last Sunday, is obviously a top flight keeper. He may not be as seasoned as Cech or Reina, but he has hair and doesn’t cover it with a funny helmet. He also isn’t Joe Hart. He also isn’t De Gea, through whose legs more balls pass than all of Madrid’s red light district employees combined.

RB: Yes. Sagna, when not suspiciously falling ill after eating chocolate mousse sent to him by Patrice Evra, is a world class right back. And at this rate, he might prove to be a world class left back, as well.

CBs: Maybe. Vermaelen is absolutely good enough to start for any team in the top 4. He combines the grit and menace of Vidic with the attacking ambition of Luiz. Also, every girl I know thinks he is very handsome.

If Arsenal buy Cahill or Alex, as is being heavily rumored, then we obviously have another CB as good as any of those on other top four contenders. If we’re talking about Koscielny, well, let’s just not talk about it.

LB: No. Santos looks solid, and Gibbs still has a piece of my heart, but compared to Cashley, Evra and Enrique, it’s hard to make the argument right now that either of them is better. Clichy is shit.

MF: Maybe. This all depends on how much one fancies the Ramsey-Wilshere-Song potential. On paper, it may not look good against names like Essien, Lampard, Silva, Toure, Gerrard and Carrick, but Arsenal’s trio have proven capable of supplanting those names as the next generation of superstars. So why not now? Okay, that is optimistic, I admit, but Jack really does seem to bring something special to a match that even those players, barring Silva, no longer do, and he’s able to make Ramsey and Song elevate their play, as well.

FW: Maybe. Over the last 30 matches, Robin van Persie has been as prolific a scorer as any in the league. Gervinho has proven dangerous when not actually being dangerous, and Walcott still strikes fear in defenders despite the fact that he often runs past them without the ball or near the ball or near the goal. It must be said, though, that this is where the top four contenders truly out-class Arsenal. They have scorers of fearsome pace and strength and ruthless finishing. Even Liverpool must be granted superiority with that little prick Suarez and that East German gal with the ponytail. However, Arsenal’s forwards have yet to all play together with the proper players behind them, so let’s give them the benefit of the doubt for now.

Subs: Maaaaaybe no. This is where it gets dicey. Name to name it’s difficult to pick Arsenal’s subs over some of the proven players on every other bench, but Arsenal’s success is a system, and our players are fit to it. It also depends on how well Miyaichi, AOC and Frimpong adjust this year, how much Arshavin and Rosicky are elevated by positional competition, how good Park is, who else gets bought and far back in the stands the rest of them can sit. But compared to last year, and last Sunday, all things healthy and happy, we will have a much stronger squad, with players more than capable of spelling our first choices. City, United and Chelsea may have more class players on the sidelines, but they too will want to play a solid core, leaving many of those players sulking and discontent, whereas we will not have that problem. Our subs will truly be squad players, as they should be. I truly do believe that City’s locker room will be poisonous by December, even if they are winning.

So there you have it, Mr Merson, and anyone else still feeling nauseous at the thought of 8-2. We’re all getting what we wanted, new players, experienced players, defenders across the line, an exciting midfield and skillful attackers.

Death to Like A New Signing! Long live Like A New Squad!

We’re in 17th, eight points from the top and six from fourth, but with a win against Swansea, if all other fixtures go to plan, we’ll be within a sniff of the top ten with 34 games to go. More importantly, we’ll have a squad of real, actual football players and the humility to play for victories we may not deserve.

(Source: goonerproblems)

Sheba Hart: You put me in prison, I could get TWO years!
Barbara Covett: They’ll fly by! I’ll visit you every week! We’ve so much life to live together!

I’m not actually sure who represents Arsene and who represents the supporters in that scenario (from ‘Notes On A Scandal’)—maybe neither—so I guess just take it how you see fit. Dench kind of looks like Pat Rice, though, doesn’t she? Wait, that is Pat Rice.

Anyway, I’m also obviously repping Frimpong here, who is quickly becoming a cult leader because of his heroics both on the pitch and Twitter. I now look forward to him playing more than any of this summer’s departed players, and increasingly as much as anyone we’ve got. If you’re looking to get his jersey, you better move like Arshavin through hot buttercookies because it’s selling briskly.

Speaking of which, it really is almost embarrassing to keep tabs on someone who’s half my age and not my child, but now there are about five players in Arsenal’s first team, including Frimpong, who fit that description. This might be as indicative of my dissatisfaction with the players who are leaving or have already left as it is of my enthusiasm for our current squad, but I’d like to think not. Maybe this is what it feels like to be an aging supporter, beyond the age of actual identification with the players. Probably what Giggs feels like. Which is why I’m looking forward to our match against Udinese today. It’ll be like watching my kids play youth league. And with the internet depressives going after both club and skipper constantly ahead of kickoff, all I want is to see our cast of misfit teens go out there and get us into the Champions League just like their vaunted and aged predecessors did. Lord knows they’ve earned it putting up with the supporters this summer.

Compared to the Man U team that beat Spurs on Monday, I don’t actually see a huge gap. I see a missing talisman. We’ve got one in Wilshere, we just need his ankle to stop verminating and come correct. I honestly don’t see us needing to add loads of big name experience beyond what we have. Yes, we need depth, but I’d much rather Arsene got half a dozen players to build a quality second team than bring in someone like Kaka, who no doubt would change the chemistry of the team. Hopefully Arsene will take a sweep through Ligue 1 and fill the ranks and pay those greedy, awful Everton bastards the ungodly millions they’re asking for Jagielka, and we can begin working them into the system.

Having said that, I meant to post this after the Liverpool loss, but never got around to it. However, I think it illustrates exactly where we’re at with the squad one year on from the 2010 season opener. Here’s a quick squad comparison of the two Liverpool fixtures.

Liverpool 1-1 Arsenal, at Anfield, Sunday, August 15, 2010

Starters:

• Manuel Almunia, Gael Clichy, Thomas Vermaelen, Laurent Koscielny, Emmanuel Eboue, Bacary Sagna, Andrey Arshavin, Jack Wilshere, Samir Nasri, Abou Diaby, Marouane Chamakh

Subs:

• Lukasz Fabianski, Kieran Gibbs, Tomas Rosicky, Theo Walcott, Alex Song, Carlos Vela, Robin van Persie

Liverpool 2-0 Arsenal, at Emirates, Saturday, August 20, 2011

Starters:

• Wojciech Szczesny, Laurent Koscielny, Thomas Vermaelen, Carl Jenkinson, Bacary Sagna, Theo Walcott, Andrey Arshavin, Samir Nasri, Aaron Ramsey, Emmanuel Frimpong, Robin van Persie

Substitutes:

• Lukasz Fabianski, Ignasi Miquel, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Henri Lansbury, Ryo Miyaichi, Marouane Chamakh, Nicklas Bendtner

From 2010 to 2011, most would have to agree that we upgraded at goalkeeper and center forward, with Szczesny and RvP. Vermaelen and Koscielny are much improved as a working tandem. We’ve shipped off Eboue and Clichy from the starters and Vela from the bench, all of whom were unanimously criticized for poor form at the end of last season. And dull Diaby was replaced by the electric Frimpong.

We were of course missing Cesc in both games.

Now, if we’d had our full complement of players for the recent match, our lineup would have presumably been as follows:

Starters:

• Wojciech Szczesny, Laurent Koscielny, Thomas Vermaelen, Bacary Sagna, Kieran Gibbs, Theo Walcott, Gervinho, Samir Nasri, Jack Wilshere, Alex Song, Robin van Persie

Substitutes:

• Lukasz Fabianski, Johan Djourou, Abou Diaby, Aaron Ramsey, Carl Jenkinson, Andrey Arshavin, Marouane Chamakh/Nicklas Bendtner

Which begs the question, what do we really need?

Eden Hazard, Juan Mata?

Has anyone who wants to answer that question seen those players in action as much as Arsene’s scouts presumably have? And what kind of hardened, proven Premier League experience would either of them bring right now?

For the £30m it would’ve taken to get either, we could buy Marvin Martin and Moussa Sow (or comparable CM and CF) to make us stronger overall. Why buy Hazard or Mata when we already have someone better? What we need are experience and diversity, older and stronger players who can come in and change our game. Personally, I’d love to see someone like Arteta or Parker come in and settle things down. I’d also love to see Neymar going buckwild in a red shirt. I’d also love to see Bigfoot or the inside of Oprah’s global control center.

Finally, here’s a recent quote from Barcelona midfielder Cesc Fabregas, who you might remember from his stint at the Arsenal.

”I’d stagnated a bit, I needed a change of scenery. The easiest thing would have been to stay at Arsenal. I’m the captain, playing every game. We are always in the Champions League, always fighting for titles. But I needed a special motivation to bring the best out of myself. Perhaps now might be the worst time to return to Barca because it’s going to be really tough to make the starting XI. But I needed a new challenge in my life.”

In other words, he didn’t want to be the best player on the pitch. He didn’t want to be the leader of the club. He needed help to take his game to another level. It’s an odd statement and not what you might expect from an athlete of his caliber. Imagine Jack or Frimpong or Vermaelen or van Persie or Szczesny or Jenkinson saying that. They wouldn’t. They, so far, seem to take personal responsibility for their play and expect others to do the same, knowing that that’s the only way for the squad to collectively raise its level.

And that’s why everything is gonna be alright. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not.

Ryo means “magnificent.” Ross knows a little bit about that. And Theo kinda looks like Jon Legend so what are you gonna do.

Could do Duran Duran in there too. Did I say these are songs that should be played anytime Ryo scores?

Arsene on why we signed young and inexperienced players…

The main reason is that we have not found. I return the question to you, why do the big clubs come to take our players who are young? Because they looked everywhere else and they didn’t find and they came to us.

That means we have top quality players and that Barcelona, Manchester United and Manchester City try to take our players. Why? They have scouts all over the world.

You have to trust my judgement [on signings]. One day somebody else will make the decisions in my place and we will have to trust him. I believe I have shown in my 15 years here I am capable of making the right decisions for the right players. In the last 15 years you have seen more world-class players here, or as many, as anywhere else in the world.

via

No joke, I’m really starting to enjoy Arsene’s NGAFness.

The last time Liverpool won the league, 1989-90, Arsenal’s lineup in the first match against them was:

Lukic, Dixon, Winterburn, Thomas, O’Leary (Jonsson), Adams, Rocastle, Richardson, AM Smith, Quinn (Hayes), P Groves.

A fine team that won the league both the year before and after.

Tomorrow, Arsenal could realistically field seven players who were born during or after the 1989-90 season. Not one player on that 1989-90 Arsenal squad was as young then as these seven will be at kickoff.

Car full of choppers and everybody quiet

Car full of goons and everybody certified

And if you froze up last time you can’t ride

It’s going down tonight

Cuz these goons out lurkin’

The name of this blog is taken from a Plies lyric in the song “Goons Lurkin,” off 2007’s The Real Testament, ostensibly about Plies and his friends driving around Miami shooting people at five in the morning. I picked it because this site is going to be about the Arsenal Football Club, aka the Gunners aka the Gooners, and he says “goons” a lot, but also because this is going to be a place where I write about the joys of Goon(er)ing, and just regular old gooning. I’m also going to try to be a positive influence and post about aspects of the squad and club that might seem like total nonsense but should at least not be redundant to the many, many other Arsenal blogs out there.

Too much these days Arsenal internet supporters flap their bloghands in the air, crying over everything about the club—its owners, its board, its manager and its players—like a bunch of cranky babies. Arsene Wenger’s given them too much success and a style of play unparalleled in the Premier League, and now, after a relatively brief spell of lesser successes and an extremely recent dip in quality of play, these supporters are acting as if something’s been taken away from them.

Not me, though. I live in New York (Brooklyn), where my hometown teams are terrible or despicable. And I’ve lived in places where my beloved franchises couldn’t even compete with these New York bastards. Places like Kansas City.

I also tend to enjoy wallowing in misery and dysfunction. I listen to Plies and a bunch of other music that doesn’t really make me feel good. I have played football for 30 years and can now barely make it up the stairs, and sometimes I just like having an excuse to drink at seven on a Saturday morning. I have been around since pre-Invincibles, but often watch Arsenal with brand new supporters. More than anything, though, I just love the drama that the club regularly provides.

I look at DENCH Frimpong and Jack, Ryo and AOC, Schizzle, Verminator, Gibbsy and Kos, Song and Sagna, Shavi (the real Xavi), Dr Theodore Walcott Esquire, RVP, Rostarr, Rambo, JoJou, BouBou, Chamakhdown, CARL, Vito and Gervinho (heretofore known as Crazy Eighthead), and I see a little bit of my younger self. I see a bunch of underdogs, a motley crew of precocious, yet testy scrappers and aging derelicts whom not one person with any memory of recent seasons predicts will finish well this one. I love that. I’ll even ride for Squid and St Nicklas if their hapless asses manage to stick around. I don’t need any big name signings or supposed saviors, they’d only make Arsenal more like everyone else. I’m happy with things as messy as they are.

If Arsene, Ivan, The Board and the Grumpy Stanatee decide to spend on some new players, then I’ll welcome the new men like lost brothers. But if they don’t bring anyone in, I’ll trust that the tens of millions of dollars made from the sales of Cesc, Samir, Clichy, Eboue (especially torn on that one) et al will be saved for the truly special players not available in the current transfer window. Or it will go to paying off stadium debt, leaving the club in an absurdly good position for when Financial Fair Play kicks in (I’m also naively believing it will be enforced). Because, unlike those crying foul, I see no point in spending millions on anyone we don’t really, really love. I’ve made that mistake myself, spent hard-earned money on clothes, booze and human beings that I knew wouldn’t be around by the time my next paycheck came. I get it. These things happen.

[Sidebar: I actually can’t resist putting forward a little dream scenario. Here is a list of players from other teams that I wouldn’t mind seeing in the Arsenal kit if someone were so inclined to pay for them: Eden Hazard, Per Mertesacker, Dede (Sleeper Pick), Leighton Baines, Brek Shea (WHY NOT), Juan Mata, Mario Götze, Hulk, Scott Parker, Seydou Keita, Ganso, Diego Forlan.

Obviously, Mata and Hazard are the straightest replacements. Put them in the middle of the field somewhere and let them go wild in front of Jack and FrimSong. Let the children sub out the wings with Crazy Eighthead, Shavi and Walcott, Esq, who can also play up front to spell RVP. Bring in Mertesacker as the defensive strongman. Everyone else stays. That’s three signings for roughly the same going out as came in for Cesc, Samir and Clichy and arguably a more dynamic squad. We’ll never sign more than three more in this window.]

I also still believe in Arsene. I see him already changing his game to make a winner out of what he’s got. In two games under unbelievably trying circumstances, he’s convinced this squad they are good enough as long as they give everything of themselves and for each other. I can’t even convince the people in my building to stop stealing the Sunday paper, so this is impressive. And I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Arsene is slyly instilling a sense of resentment in his young squad, an angry desire to prove that they don’t need the dearly and less dearly departed. It’s a rabid intensity that Cesc, Samir and others could only muster when they played in big matches, maybe because they thought they were better than everyone else. Meanwhile, Sir Alex Ferguson manages to make his teams feel disrespected every year, and that’s why they win. But no other big club will be as rabid as ours this year (except maybe Real, who Mourinho might actually be dosing with rabies and expired HGH).

What I’m getting at here is that we supporters have to adjust to changing circumstances at least as well as our players. They’ve taken the field twice and proven they’re ready to give it a run, while many of us sit back and wait for something that may not happen.

Liverpool is Saturday, and many are picking them to knock Arsenal off its pedestal once and for all. The truth is they are shit, they know it, and we should help them come to terms with it by winning three or four nil.

Stay tuned, I might put a trance mix up to get everybody hyped for kickoff.

PS-Gunnersaurus Rex is the realest goon in the Champions League.